I’ve always understood that you don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate. As women, sometimes we don’t effectively use our natural negotiation tips to create the best possible outcomes for our lives, our work, our relationships and our families. As a result, we still get paid less than men for equal performance, and some of us continue to struggle to advocate for and receive the situations we truly deserve.

Here are my top three tips on negotiation.

1) Negotiation is based on how important something is to two parties: you and the other negotiator.

If you’re in a position to negotiate about a new job, consider the parts of the job that are most important to you. Is it your new responsibilities? the job title? Do you want job security? What about benefits? How about hours or flextime? Do you want extra managerial tasks? Are you looking for salary? is there a commission or bonus?

Consider all the parts that are a must-have for you, as well as the parts of the job you are willing to budge on. Then, come back to your potential employer with a package that outlines what you desire. If you add some items that you’re willing to compromise on, these will be the items you don’t feel so bad about discarding.

From the employer’s perspective, they’ll negotiate based on what they currently need and what you currently offer. If you’re demanding a higher salary and the employer needs someone with your current skill sets, they might not offer you a performance bonus or a regular opportunity for performance reviews. If you’re seeking health insurance as a major factor of you taking the job, they employer might give you better coverage but a lower salary.

All of these different elements require you to understand your own priorities before coming to the negotiation table.

Once you’ve figured out exactly what you need and what will make you comfortable for any situation, you may start thinking about items that are nice but not necessary: use those items when it comes time to discussing a package.

2) Give and take is an essential part of negotiation.

Once you know what you must have and what you’re okay giving away, you may start negotiating from a place of strength: identify, act, and speak with clarity about what you’re willing to give away and what you must demand. This gives the other party subconscious, kinetic and verbal cues about an item.

You will feel comfortable reciprocating with someone across the table because certain things you are fine “throwing in.” Everyone wants to feel like they’re getting a good deal so consider ways to make that deal happen. Be creative, if you need to: there are plenty of things to negotiate in a typical contract like terms, warranties, payment structure, personnel, specific tasks, and deliverables.

3) Negotiation is a process. A contract is the outcome. Keep the situation flowing but put final details into writing.

It’s so important to put details into writing, either at the actual table or shortly after a negotiation session. Write it down! Did you extend a certain timeframe or change the order of a procedure? Write it down! Did you give agree upon a specific payment plan? Write it down!

Incorporate all the disparate elements of your verbal negotiation into a written document and make sure you go over the items with the other party. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to get lost in details or to gloss over something that might be important at a later date…. write everything down so all parties have access to notes that were discussed.

I encourage you to share with me your own tips on negotiation. I think the lack of training on this issue is a major stumbling block, especially for any woman who is navigating a situation where they would rather back away, keep quiet, or not provide important input that affects her.

Negotiation is merely what we do with children (”May I have a cookie?” -”Not yet, dear, but we’ll go together to the store this afternoon to find you a healthy snack”). Let’s extend our natural negotiation and communication skills out to the larger world.

Put in some comments about how you’ve negotiated something for yourself, your relationship, or your work.

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