For those of you who are mothers or who are planning to be mothers, I wanted to take some time to go over what success means for you, your family, and your relationship with your children, partners or significant others, and your part within your wider social world.

What does success mean to you? One way to assess this question is to think about the timeframe a hundred years from now, when your grandchildren or great-grandchildren do a genealogy project and review your life. When you have some ‘family-wide goals’ and you develop ways to access, track, and celebrate those milestones, you might see patterns and trends in your family name and your children’s children’s actions. One hundred years from now, your descendants will review your life history, see their heritage through you, and hopefully take your best parts forward into their own future (just as you may do so with your own ancestors).

There are three points that help me on my journey towards raising a family: first of all, any kind of judgement, blame, shame, or guilt around parenting issues is not in your best interest, so my best advice is to leave criticism behind. Second, follow your instinct. You know your child/ren best, and you do a great service to your children by honing your maternal instincts and changing situations in your life to better fit your family. Finally, take time to honor, celebrate, and rejoice with your family: children come to you to be a part of your life — appreciate them.

Leave Criticism Behind.
Who wants to feel attacked? You only want to feel attacked if some part of you needs that kind of stimulus, in which case I highly recommend working through your issues to understand your own nature. No child deserves humiliation, disrespect, or flogging: and you yourself do not deserve this behavior either. For me, I flee negative behavior: there are many places where you might feel unsupported for your choices, and if that’s the case, I recommend you *move your position* to a place where you feel supported, positive, healthy, and whole. There are plenty of other mothers who would love the chance to bond with you, share their experiences with you, and be part of your community: it’s up to you to find them. (I find Google to be a great resource for this).

Walk away from any kind of negative commentary on things that are really important to you. Always be open to new information and education — be aware if you have “blinders” on and someone out there actually does have a better solution to your issue — but do also understand when your intuitive choices as a parent are being trampled… if you’re feeling disrespected you can always move to the other side of the room! Treat yourself like you would treat any small, helpless child: you would never berate, shame or heap abuse on a small child: treat yourself with respect and you will automatically treat others with respect, too.

Follow Your Instinct
You know, at some level, what you need to provide for your family and your offspring. I highly encourage you to develop your instinct, your intuition, or your “gut feeling” about a situation, and act on it with as much of your maternal instinct as possible.

For example, for our family, when our son was born, we wanted to provide a caring, supportive, and communicative environment for him. We chose things like Bradley training, natural childbirth, breastfeeding (I breastfed for three years), and cloth diapers. We used a sling, and we paid close attention to what our son ate: we chose organic foods and less-processed options as much as possible. We co-slept, and we started “elimination communication” at six months (so we were able to get him out of diapers by his first birthday). We paid attention to our son’s crying. We paid attention to our son, period.

What is your instinct about what your children need? If you feel like your instinct is somewhat faint or you’re not sure what’s important, it may be time to focus on your own needs so that you may parent from a place of strength, wisdom, maturity, and love. What do you feel you need in your life so that you have the ability to create a better life for your child? Seek these answers and they will arise into your consciousness, giving you more options and more ways to deal with the current.

We made every effort to be aware and appreciative of our son’s needs and we’ve continued our education about developmental needs, especially about how boys develop. We’ve referenced books by Ina May Gaskin, Kathleen Huggins, Peggy O’Mara, Michael Gurian, and others. I subscribed to Mothering Magazine for a few years because I felt that their articles and resources were more in keeping with my ideas than some of the more slick magazines.

We acted on a strong intuition to move to a different location that was more family-friendly and we have been rewarded by that decision by having a much better, safer, and saner quality of life. Now that our son is in school, I feel very successful in our efforts to provide a secure “home base” for him. As parents, both of us are very happy to see our son’s development into an overall happy, active, and compassionate little boy.

Honor and Rejoice in your Family
Your responsibility as a parent is such a great one that comes with so many rewards: I definitely feel like I have a more full, more active, and more deep sense of life because of the challenges and successes parenting has offered me. Your children are with you for what seems like such a short time… make the most of that time! Create opportunities to celebrate their birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions.

Any time is a good time for cake and punch, for a small memento for a job well done, or most importantly, for a hug and kiss and words of encouragement for your little one! What does your child enjoy and appreciate? Give him or her plenty of opportunities to celebrate that innate talent or skill: and do the same with your own heartfelt wishes. We all deserve love, and when we love ourselves, honor ourselves, and rejoice in ourselves, we are better able to love, honor, and rejoice in others.

For me, my success has developed over time because I’ve kept true to what my partner and I originally hoped to accomplish as spouses, lovers, and parents: we’re building a family and passing along to the next generation our values, our behaviors, and our actions that we believe are important.

I am happy and proud about this, and I support you, too, in finding the right path for you and your family to walk along.

If you have a young one in your family or extended family, send them to Gever Tulley’s Tinkering School, which I heard about from his TED talk on “5 Dangerous Things you should let your kids do”: http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/202

(Hint! Let them play with fire, own a pocket knife, and learn how to drive!)

From his website: www.tinkeringschool.com, he and his wife and associates offer a unique camp which offers kids ages 7-17 the opportunity to learn how to build things out of their own ideas.

“By providing a collaborative environment in which to explore basic and advanced building techniques and principles, we strive to create a school where we all learn by fooling around. All activities are hands-on, supervised, and at least partly improvisational.

“Grand schemes, wild ideas, crazy notions, and intuitive leaps of imagination are, of course, encouraged and fertilized.”

Each child receives adult supervision and encouragement. They learn how to use power tools, they play with gravity, with fire, with mechanical appliances, and they have organic fresh food and a sleeapaway camp experience on the Tinkering School site. Parents may drop them off and pick them up a week later (they’re probably dirty and happy!) and all students receive a cordless drill and a box of supplies as a going-away gift.

There are so many of us who are parents or who want to become parents. My husband and I work together and we have a young son who currently is in elementary school.

If you are trying to conceive, if you are currently pregnant, or if you have recently given birth, congratulations! Your most important work is contributing to the next generation, and you are blessed with the opportunity to care for a new life. Your nutrition, your health, your overall wellness, and your work plan are all important factors at this time.

If you are trying to conceive (TTC), good luck and keep it up!
Charting, keeping track of ovulation, and being on top of your most fertile moments may be stressful. I encourage you to keep a healthy schedule and maintain a consistent amount of sleep. Also make sure to make time for leisure: this reduces stress and gives you something to look forward to.

Your health and happiness are so important (and a great by-product will be when you conceive). Remember to take your folic acid, continue to have a healthy diet, reduce or quit smoking, monitor your alcohol intake, and create more healthful and happier moments in your life. This may mean letting go of stressful situations like clutter, a bad roommate situation, or anything that makes you unhappy. You may also consider changing your job if it is not conducive to you getting pregnant.

If you are currently expecting, congratulations!
Now is a great time for you and your employer to come up with a plan for your workplace and how you will integrate your upcoming birth with your existing work. With an empathetic boss, you’ll be able to telecommute, share hours, and possibly work from home in order to maintain your job and be a contributing member of your team.

If you are able, find an ergonomic chair, keyboard, or work station, If you are standing for long periods of time, ask if you may be seated, or find a footrest or stool so you may put up one leg at a time.

If you work with toxic chemicals, consider getting a transfer or reducing your exposure as much as possible.

It will be best for you to be completely aware of anything potentially harmful to you that comes in through your air, your food, or especially your water. Read the labels on packaged food, this has always helped me (I avoid anything with high fructose corn syrup or partially hydrogenated oils). I recommend choosing organic produce when you are able to. Choose healthy options whenever possible: your body and your baby will thank you!

If you have miscarried, I am so sorry.
I have had a miscarriage, too, and it is such a devastating feeling. Take care of yourself and let your body, mind, and spirit return to a state of happiness and health. Conception happens again! Take your time and take care of yourself by grieving, creating a memory book or journal, and saving some special remembrances of your pregnancy. I kept the pregnancy test in a little drawer with the date. It’s a special bond you have with your child, even if they were not able to be born into the world.

If you have just given birth, congratulations!
The first few weeks after the birth, most women need to spend as much time with their baby as possible. New mothers also need rest, and a great rule is to “sleep when the baby sleeps.”

Keep a full jug of water by the bed at all times, and remember to eat healthy foods like fruit, oatmeal, rice, apples, and other bland foods. Follow your body’s natural instinct and make sure to focus on your own health and recovery: everyone else’s health depends on yours, so take care of yourself. Other folks may do the laundry, wash the dishes, and keep the house in order. Your main focus is to heal and to be with your baby.

Take care of yourself and demand care from others. If you’re out and about, park close to your destination and bring a sling or a stroller. If you’re on public transportation, ask for the handicapped or special needs area. If you’re breastfeeding, ask for privacy and a lactation room. If you need to sleep, build in frequent naps into your day: your sanity depends on it. Because those post-baby weeks have so many new activities going on, remember to take time for yourself and to center yourself by meditating, praying, or even taking time out to breathe deeply.

If you have decided on a back-to-work plan, find ways to make the transition easier on yourself and your new family member: this might mean looking at creative options to make sure the work gets done and to also take care of your new responsibilities. You may find yourself doing independent contracting, doing freelance work, or even striking out on your own as a work-at-home mom. With so many options available, I know you will find ways to make your work fit into your life.

Because the childbearing years are so special and because so many women in this age group are in the workforce, let’s all work together to make sure that our workplace offers supportive policies.

Ten Tips:

1) Take time to assess your situation: Introspection is good. Take a look at your current status and see if there are ways to make more proactive, positive changes to help you and your family. If you find that a relationship, job, or location needs changing, give yourself a timeline and start working on that change or move.
2) Share: Join a support group like a mother’s group or parent’s group. You’ll find others who share your interests and activities and you’ll make new friends.
3) Sleep: Your resting periods become even more important as demands on you rise. Go for 8 hours of sleep a night and if you don’t get it, build in catnaps during the day to recharge.
4) Breathe deeply: For five minutes of every hour, spend some time breathing in and out, centering yourself, and feeling your body.
5) Exercise: If it’s as simple as going for a brief walk after dinner, or adding some walk time to your commute, exercising helps with mood swings, circulation, and overall health. While you’re at it, do some stretching to keep your circulation moving and your muscles limber, too!
6) Healthy Food: Yummy food is something to look forward to. Check labels and choose healthier options like whole grains, dark green vegetables, and fruits.
7) Water, water, water: Keep hydrated and drink water every day. Choose water over sugary sodas or caffeine-heavy options.
8) Eat breakfast: A good morning ritual helps center your day and a nice breakfast starts you off with energy. Choose easy options and get up ten minutes earlier so you may savor a hearty first meal of the day.
9) Communicate: Ask for help from partners, parents, in-laws, relatives, friends, and work associates. All of us working together get to bond with the babies and young children in our lives: reach out and ask people to help you, they will appreciate being a valued part of your children’s early years.
10) Take care of yourself: The most important thing you will do for your family is participating fully by being well-rested, well-nourished, and well in spirit. Do this by honestly assessing where you stand and taking steps to honor your body, tend the garden that is your soul, and do the things you feel called to do.