For those of you who are mothers or who are planning to be mothers, I wanted to take some time to go over what success means for you, your family, and your relationship with your children, partners or significant others, and your part within your wider social world.

What does success mean to you? One way to assess this question is to think about the timeframe a hundred years from now, when your grandchildren or great-grandchildren do a genealogy project and review your life. When you have some ‘family-wide goals’ and you develop ways to access, track, and celebrate those milestones, you might see patterns and trends in your family name and your children’s children’s actions. One hundred years from now, your descendants will review your life history, see their heritage through you, and hopefully take your best parts forward into their own future (just as you may do so with your own ancestors).

There are three points that help me on my journey towards raising a family: first of all, any kind of judgement, blame, shame, or guilt around parenting issues is not in your best interest, so my best advice is to leave criticism behind. Second, follow your instinct. You know your child/ren best, and you do a great service to your children by honing your maternal instincts and changing situations in your life to better fit your family. Finally, take time to honor, celebrate, and rejoice with your family: children come to you to be a part of your life — appreciate them.

Leave Criticism Behind.
Who wants to feel attacked? You only want to feel attacked if some part of you needs that kind of stimulus, in which case I highly recommend working through your issues to understand your own nature. No child deserves humiliation, disrespect, or flogging: and you yourself do not deserve this behavior either. For me, I flee negative behavior: there are many places where you might feel unsupported for your choices, and if that’s the case, I recommend you *move your position* to a place where you feel supported, positive, healthy, and whole. There are plenty of other mothers who would love the chance to bond with you, share their experiences with you, and be part of your community: it’s up to you to find them. (I find Google to be a great resource for this).

Walk away from any kind of negative commentary on things that are really important to you. Always be open to new information and education — be aware if you have “blinders” on and someone out there actually does have a better solution to your issue — but do also understand when your intuitive choices as a parent are being trampled… if you’re feeling disrespected you can always move to the other side of the room! Treat yourself like you would treat any small, helpless child: you would never berate, shame or heap abuse on a small child: treat yourself with respect and you will automatically treat others with respect, too.

Follow Your Instinct
You know, at some level, what you need to provide for your family and your offspring. I highly encourage you to develop your instinct, your intuition, or your “gut feeling” about a situation, and act on it with as much of your maternal instinct as possible.

For example, for our family, when our son was born, we wanted to provide a caring, supportive, and communicative environment for him. We chose things like Bradley training, natural childbirth, breastfeeding (I breastfed for three years), and cloth diapers. We used a sling, and we paid close attention to what our son ate: we chose organic foods and less-processed options as much as possible. We co-slept, and we started “elimination communication” at six months (so we were able to get him out of diapers by his first birthday). We paid attention to our son’s crying. We paid attention to our son, period.

What is your instinct about what your children need? If you feel like your instinct is somewhat faint or you’re not sure what’s important, it may be time to focus on your own needs so that you may parent from a place of strength, wisdom, maturity, and love. What do you feel you need in your life so that you have the ability to create a better life for your child? Seek these answers and they will arise into your consciousness, giving you more options and more ways to deal with the current.

We made every effort to be aware and appreciative of our son’s needs and we’ve continued our education about developmental needs, especially about how boys develop. We’ve referenced books by Ina May Gaskin, Kathleen Huggins, Peggy O’Mara, Michael Gurian, and others. I subscribed to Mothering Magazine for a few years because I felt that their articles and resources were more in keeping with my ideas than some of the more slick magazines.

We acted on a strong intuition to move to a different location that was more family-friendly and we have been rewarded by that decision by having a much better, safer, and saner quality of life. Now that our son is in school, I feel very successful in our efforts to provide a secure “home base” for him. As parents, both of us are very happy to see our son’s development into an overall happy, active, and compassionate little boy.

Honor and Rejoice in your Family
Your responsibility as a parent is such a great one that comes with so many rewards: I definitely feel like I have a more full, more active, and more deep sense of life because of the challenges and successes parenting has offered me. Your children are with you for what seems like such a short time… make the most of that time! Create opportunities to celebrate their birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions.

Any time is a good time for cake and punch, for a small memento for a job well done, or most importantly, for a hug and kiss and words of encouragement for your little one! What does your child enjoy and appreciate? Give him or her plenty of opportunities to celebrate that innate talent or skill: and do the same with your own heartfelt wishes. We all deserve love, and when we love ourselves, honor ourselves, and rejoice in ourselves, we are better able to love, honor, and rejoice in others.

For me, my success has developed over time because I’ve kept true to what my partner and I originally hoped to accomplish as spouses, lovers, and parents: we’re building a family and passing along to the next generation our values, our behaviors, and our actions that we believe are important.

I am happy and proud about this, and I support you, too, in finding the right path for you and your family to walk along.

I offer all of you in our shared community a wonderful and happy Easter and spring season.

Spring has always been, for me, a good time for taking stock, doing inventory, regenerating my goals, clearing out unwanted or unnecessary things, and marvelling at the power of nature.

Today, when I look out on my garden and see the beautiful plants and the seedlings that are finally starting to sprout, I feel a deep sense of hope, joy, striving, and contentment that I want to be a strong part of my life.

We’ve planted tomato, red leaf lettuce, arugula, taro, kale, basil, butter lettuce, ti leaves, and a number of palms that are all in different stages of growth. It’s amazing to think that just a few months ago we had just a regular lawn, which we then bulldozed, composted, turned into mounds, and planted with a multitude of seeds and roots. Now there’s a veritable produce section right in front of my door: just add water and sunshine!

In the same way, I think there are ways that we all may see ourselves as a field in which many different seeds are planted. With the right amount of nuturing, reflection, and time, those seeds which we want to grow inside of us become a reality.

Perhaps you have a desire to become an entrepreneur this year, or you have a desire to be more present and available to your family, or there is a seed of charitable giving inside of you. Perhaps this year you desire to finish that Great American novel, or to share your knowledge through a book or e-book, or perhaps this year is the year for you to increase your volunteer activities.

Take some time each week to reflect on what you will need to help your seeds reach maturity. I know that over time, certain seeds will sprout through you and help you manifest the traits of the bountiful, successful person you strive to become.

This spring, take some time to appreciate the nature around you, and I look forward to supporting you on your journey to success in 2008.

Warmly,
Monica

We’re on day 17 of a thirty-day series on increasing our skills to focus our energies.

A huge block to any kind of positive movement forward is when we are mired in the bog pit of feeling angry, hurt, destructive, or vindictive to others.

Practicing forgiveness effectively gives you a lifeline back onto steady footing, and your forgiveness of others and yourself gives you back your time, energy, and health. Forgiveness gives you your peace of mind, and in turn, you have the opportunity to share your peace of mind with others.

The Archbishop Desmond Tutu says this about the Dalai Lama:

“we revere the Dalai Lama…. But why? Why? Because he is good, he is good, he is good. I have met very few other persons as holy as His Holiness. I have met very, very few who have his serenity, his deep pool of serenity…

“And his sense of fun. He laughs easily, he is almost like a schoolboy with his mischievousness. Fun, fun, bubbling, bubbling joy…

“And that’s odd… By rights, he should be filled with resentment, with anger, with bitterness. And the last thing he should be wanting is to extend compassion and love to those who have treated him and his people so abominably. But he does. He does.”

As we know, the Dalai Lama and his people were forced out of their home country and have been living in exile for the past half-century.

Out of every great challenge rise opportunities for us to become better, stronger, more tolerant, compassionate, and more whole people. When we practice forgiveness, we mentally, sprititually, and physically release the feeling of being dragged down, and instead our spirits soar.

Think of one situation in your life where you’ve felt wronged, and consider how much the time and energy you’ve spent berating yourself or berating the other party has cost you. Now I encourage you to write out that situation on a piece of paper and next, burn it with a match or over the kitchen stove. Your intent is to set that situation free, heal your heart, and turn your attention to something that brings you greater happiness and health.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

Monica S. Flores is an author, educator, and speaker.

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